Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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