My cat gives me a boner
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
