I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
