I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
