yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
