it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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