If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize