Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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