Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
