summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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