Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
