Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize