38 yer olds are good kisserssss
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
