and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
