I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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