dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Randomize
