I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize