woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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