I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
