Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
