I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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