He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
