My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
