Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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