Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i dont even know how to be here
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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