Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
