I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I love having hate sex.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
