You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
