Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
