I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I want to fling myself into the sun
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize