I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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