Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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