I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize