Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
