Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize