Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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