I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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