I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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