I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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