I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
