I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
