the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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