Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I've blown a few things in my day
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
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