Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
