my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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