Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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