life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Slut skills are useful in every country.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
why does every cop we meet know your name?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
