If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
