So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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