Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
