We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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