Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
