did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You're like the curious george of whores
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
