i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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