she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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