i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
