I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
