I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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