Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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