The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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