if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he thought i was a dude.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
