i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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