Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
