i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
