I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
